Choosing My Battles

Life lately has been a hodge podge of experiments. I wish I could say I’m improving with my mental health, but some days are just generally worse than usual. Then, a few days later, I’d feel guilty and disappointed with myself of having wasted such time having these episodes.

So in the span of availability I have to manage my working energy and be as human as possible, work in that sense has been okay. You’d think I’m used to what every day brings, but apparently not. Lately I’ve also been testing myself, thinking about every experience as a test to see how long I’ll last. I’ve been reading pages of Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff: Omnibus, a book my cousin gave me during my time offline last year.

It was pretty apt; I think after reading two pages last Monday I instantly felt like a better person. Which doesn’t mean I can quit my meds and start reading and heal immediately. My doctor just told me he wants me off the meds by May (a year from when I first started taking) and by doing that, I have to workout at least five times a week. Five! I’m typing this on my way to my fourth workout of the week, wall climbing—a long overdue plan as I was busy working on my visa last week (more on that next time).

Yesterday I went rowing and the past weekend was also spent working out. It’s been good, except lol my daily clothing has been transformed into workout clothes: think leggings, dry fit tops, and my trusty Nike Pegasus pair. Who. Am. I!

Let’s also add the fact that I finally found something I’m having a hard time being good at: pottery. I’ll admit my control is pretty strong, which explains exactly why my hands can’t seem to hold the clay well—does this reflect how I live my own life? Too controlled and limited? Wow, existential questions during pottery. Who knew? Nevertheless, we’re halfway through the sessions and I’m enjoying it a lot despite my tiny panic attacks as I load a fresh batch of clay on the wheel for spinning. I wish I knew how to be better, but I’ll accept my average output for now.

My focus has been all over the place—what’s new. And it feels extra weird not planning for any upcoming trip because of the ongoing coronavirus. Pretty relieved though that I can stay and save up for now. The rest of my 2020 after June is still blurry, and as much as I want everything to clear up, I really don’t mind leaving it that way for now. I’ve been keeping in mind that there are things outside of my life that I really can’t change. And that shitty things happen every day even if I hate it. I keep forgetting that getting through those “small things” won’t get me anywhere except being lost in my own thoughts. I’m also accepting the fact that I really need to just choose my battles. I can’t win them all. I can only choose, win some, lose some, and move forward.

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