Every time I finish an episode of RuPaul’s Drag Race, RuPaul always leaves with this quote: “If you can’t love yourself, how in the hell you gonna love somebody else? Can I get an amen?”
And you know what? I felt that.
Since coming back from Berlin, I have had quite a couple of breakthroughs both in life and work. And as much as I tried to feel like I didn’t deserve it, I really think it was high time I finally gave myself that chance to be free and open to what the world had to offer.
Work has been a whirlwind, but in the sense that I actually enjoy it—after four years of trying to be at a state of constantly proving that I deserve to be *here*. What was that for? Where was *here*? It’s not a secret that the real reason why I made it this far is my hard work and disciplined work ethic, and that’s something I hold accountable for up to this day.
Earlier at the gym I was playing Destiny’s Child songs on repeat (like I always do), from a playlist I made called “Girl Talk”. I curated this list after DTR-ing with a guy 2 years ago (needless to say I never felt so #wreckedt at that time, but then 2019 brought me to an even more crazier state of #wreckedt, so I regret nothing), and ever since, I’ve been glued to this playlist for most of my work week. Then it hit me: why was I so conscious when I’m in front of people? When I’m in a public place trying to be like everyone else? I was accustomed to an environment where I never had the chance to express myself (blaming it on my very strict schooling) and stand out, until I consciously made the effort to do so in the latter years of my life. And ironically knowing that I’m not just a regular person now, when a hundred thousand-ish people are following me on social media. Lol. Life has its plot twists.
Then I had this eureka moment of writing this entry, after realizing my absence here as it has been really busy working on several self-initiated projects: my newsletter (which launches today!), ongoing content for my channel (I’ve just received my second paycheck last month, yay!), PaperCon (a paper conference happening in October), and a scheduled work trip next week. Oh, and did I mention running a shop entirely on my own is quite a joyride? From design work to production to execution and accounting, you best believe Virgo season is giving me all the good juju life has to offer. I didn’t know it was possible to live a life this—where everything feels bearable despite my constant attacks of anxiety at weird hours of a day. I wonder what it’d be like not having to constantly worry about the littlest things and how people looked at me, and how people viewed me, but I definitely know it’s going to take quite a while to get to that point.
But for now, it’s safe to say I’ve gotten quite a good hold of myself in several aspects of my life. I never look forward to the future that far anymore, because I know that my efforts really bring me to places that allow me to become my best self, and that I’m not lazy at all. Medications may weaken me at some point, but I always have this drive to keep doing and working and really diving headstrong into this career that always felt so accidental but necessary. Necessary for me to realize that I don’t think I’d ever find purpose in this life if I didn’t make art, draw letters, take photos, or journal about my travels. These may seem like visual images only from another perspective, but for me it’s the main reason I’m still powering through.
That, and content planning. I think social media is really in my blood. Lol. Even if I hate it 50% of the time.
How’s your Virgo season going?