All is Well (For Now)

July 6 | Saturday | IRE 4727 |Berlin Hbf to Hamburg Hbf

Most of the time, I consider my own life to be a film of some sort. Except, the catch is—I end up being the supporting actress, and not the main one. 

Some days it becomes a sitcom, rarely a romcom, usually drama, but generally, if I’d pick one genre, it’ll probably fall under indie coming of age with an analog style Super 8 filter embedded on the footage. Wow, so specific.

“I may as well be a Netflix Original, you know?” Something I’d always tell people when I start off with this whole “I think my life is a film” spiel from time to time. True enough, part of me feels like all of this is just fleeting. A scene, a moment, a particular point in time.

I’m currently on the train to Hamburg—after what felt like nine hours of agony waiting for the train to arrive. I took an Uber to the station at 7 in the morning (wow so extra but I felt that I needed it after this emotionally crazy week) only to find out the train has been rescheduled to 17 (5PM). The downside is I can’t change it because I bought cheap tickets (they were only 30EU) and it’s either I stay in Berlin and just cancel the trip altogether.

But I carried on. Happy to report that I managed to entertain myself without working (I left my laptop anyway) 

—Sorry that got cut short. Just like my trip. Oof!

July 9 | Tuesday | 8:53AM | Tram 12 to Pasedagplatz

I just received some good news back home, so I’m quite distracted. I also passed out last night after eating sushi, summer rolls, and a good plate of chicken curry (all less than 10eu!)  so it’s been quite eventful, to say the least.

I’ve been going to the studio early this week. Since I now live 30 minutes away, the travel time doesn’t feel like much if I am busy doing something (in this case, typing this entry on my phone). I’ve also been enjoying the quiet mornings where I get to be in the studio alone, making things. 

Needless to say, my trip to Hamburg went well. Apart from rushing the whole Sunday morning to get to all the places and managing to grab lunch and step inside the train earlier than expected, I sat down inside the train feeling at ease that I was going back to Berlin in one piece. I forgot my anxiety meds the day before, so I’ve been fumbling non-stop while waiting for the train. But these things happen, I realize.

It may seem like days have just passed by since July came in, but I’ve been in a roller coaster of thoughts, swamped in lots of decision making, and basically mentally exhausted by the end of each day. 

I haven’t ran since I moved to my new apartment, despite that I literally live next to a running track. The weather dropped this week so I’ve been in three layers of clothing as I head to the studio. 

But all is well. I think that’s something I’m trying to live with now, despite the constant worry of what’s next. If anything, I managed a creative breakthrough yesterday—as I worked on patterns and colors that I usually wouldn’t touch. I was in a trance, I’d like to think. I felt it, and I felt so alive after painting those thumbnails. It probably is a good sign.

It is my last month in Berlin for the summer. As I walked to my tram station this morning, it hit me—I still can’t believe this happened to me. A year ago, this city seemed to be just a mark in the map. I never even bothered. Who or what convinced me to go here doesn’t matter anymore. And now I’m here, about to spend the last three weeks maximizing my time in a city I learned to love voluntarily.

Was Manila forced? Not really. I still know the place I call home, but too much of home makes me worry. Too much of the unknown also does, but it’s where I’d rather be if I want to keep fighting for my freedom to make art the way I want it.

And the best part? I no longer run out of breath (except when I run after trains or trams). I no longer see myself as someone else. I’m starting to get a clearer sense of who I am and what I am doing with my life. I no longer have to wait for acceptance from people who do not have the same values as me. I can just be me and finally be OK with it.

What a relief.

Okay, my stop’s here. Tschuss!

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