June 27 | 20:09 | U6 to Hallesches Tor
In the several episodes I’ve had (in my own movie I call “my life”) of feeling like I don’t deserve the good things in the world, I find myself now in this position of feeling like maybe I did deserve to be here, right in this moment, in this part of the world, still filled with questions—but slowly finding answers.
Wow, the nerve, Abbey. *laughs*
But also: wow, who am I becoming.
My second month of residency started off rough. Apart from switching studios, I started to feel lost while working—constantly switching my attention from one thing to another. I haven’t touched my primed canvas from last week, nor have I done some lettering. I haven’t diligently updated my sketchbook because I’ve been thinking about its purpose in the long run.
I hate that I think and ask too much. Maybe it would be alright to just do the work, you know?
In other news, I’ve been preoccupied with the presence of friends visiting Berlin for the past couple of days. It’s always nice to be with people that remind me of home, or to be with people who generally understand me. Growing up I’ve always felt insecure about my lack of social skills; but my experience from New York last year (I made quite a lot of friends, I believe) made me think otherwise.
Because I’ve been out and about, yesterday’s spontaneous field trip left me hanging. I arrived early at the studio but realized I couldn’t work in the heat—took a nap, ate a bit, and stepped out instead.
I thought I would suffer (again) in my own company (I’ve had weird episodes since I started taking my anxiety medications last month) but I surprisingly enjoyed it. After all, the best way to survive in 35 degree weather is to grab a cold brew at a cafe and do some life planning, amirite? (This includes me impulsively buying a Leuchtturm for “important work and life stuff” for justification purposes)
So, I’ve been thinking a lot about many things (what’s new). This whole “I want to live abroad” has always been on the back of my mind since I turned 25, and I’m lucky to have had experiences in cities I’d only read in books.
But wow, Berlin was a pleasant surprise. The fact that I can see myself staying here for a year or two both excites and scares me. I can’t believe I’m actually experiencing what it’s like to live in a city that prioritizes the quality of life of people. Moreso, the high respect for art of all forms makes Berlin a suitable place for artists. And so the question is: am I meant to be in this city?
And now here comes the worry.
But why am I so worried? It’s in times where I question myself that I am reminded of who I am and what I’m capable of. Sure, I still have inabilities I have yet to work on, but generally, I realize that I’m actually not bad? Why have I always assumed I am the worst version of myself? I really can’t figure this out.
Recently I have discovered a new “skill”, if that’s what it’s supposed to be called. I’ve been coaching some colleagues on social media and helping them with their websites. I also shoot photos if needed and have helped a friend compile her portfolio. I keep forgetting I came from a background that does all these things, and it all just clicked…especially now that I do social media work as part of my job.
Anyway, that’s for another blog post. And potential business idea, lol. Moving on…
Right now, I’m thinking about the next few weeks. There are three trips coming up, I have a week left in the residency, I proceed to apply for a visa. So many things I’m altering in my life—and for good reason.
Who knows, maybe it’s for the best?
Okay, I get off the U-bahn at the next stop. Until then, tschüßy!